10 Ways to Connect This Valentine's Day (Even if You Just Want to Sleep)
February 14th is often called a Hallmark holiday, an arbitrary date on the calendar to up sales of chocolates and cheesy cards. And maybe it is. But I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. Life is busy, full of mundane lists, errands, and the ever-present motherload. If a date on the calendar makes us pause, reflect on our relationships, and show love, I say bring it on!
This Valentine's Day is different, though. It comes after 11 months of being holed up all day, every day with our partner, our kids, and the million and one feelings, fears, anxieties, and to-dos that have piled up. A "romantic night" seems less appealing than years past. Especially when it's a night in the same space you've been in for the last 300+ days. And with the same person, you've been sitting across from for all the hours of those days.
We start to realize why the time apart in "normal" life can be healthy during the workday. It allows us an opportunity to say goodbye, take time as separate individuals, and reunite. It's no surprise we find ourselves less on edge with our loved ones when we're unaware of the little pockets of time they waste (in our opinions). Or the frequency with which they go to the kitchen or bathroom during the day.
I remember the adjustment those first months of quarantine. I would grab a drink between my client sessions. Typically, that time between sessions was a moment to decompress, process, take a few breaths, and clear my head before heading into the next client. But now my husband was sitting in the kitchen. He wanted to chat. He had questions. I couldn't ignore him, but that was also what had previously been my time to refresh mentally. We had to work on setting clear boundaries and expectations so that we each got what we needed and could function in our work as best as we could, without creating conflict or feeling unheard.
You see, relationships are made up of lots of little moments- each moment is an opportunity to connect or miss the chance. When we successfully connect, we strengthen our bond and increase our "emotional bank account." When we miss the chance- we make a slight, almost imperceptible dent. That one missed moment isn't going to wreak havoc on your relationship. Instead, it's the accumulation of frequently missed moments, whether daily, for weeks, months, or even years, that leads to the phenomenon known as "we fell out of love."
It's generally not one pivotal moment in time that a couple can point to and say- "That's it! That's the moment we stopped caring for one another. That's the moment our love died." It's the many overlooked moments. The rushed mornings, running out the door without a proper goodbye. The hectic workdays without a single check-in or the "busy, talk soon" response we give any time an important call comes in. There's also the chaotic dinner and bedtime with the kids, and the ever-looming exhaustion after the long day, where you're just trying to survive, get under the covers, and conk out. Where is the connection there
This Valentine's Day can be different, though. Different from years past when it was just an excuse for a visit to the nearest steak house and a night out. It can be a day to look at your relationship and identify what's working or might need work. You might be super solid as a couple, in the dreaded "do we even love each other anymore" stage, or somewhere in between. But one thing's for sure- we can ALL benefit from more moments of connection and add to our EBA (Emotional Bank Account) balance.
So, how do we connect as tired parents, especially during a pandemic? Through small, meaningful moments.
Say good morning and ask how they slept
Have a non-rushed cup of coffee
Share a 6-second kiss
Tell your partner something you appreciate that they did (especially if they went the extra mile!)
Cook a dish together from a place one of you wants to visit
Re-watch your wedding video with a glass of wine or hot chocolate
Look through old photos and reminisce
Watch your favorite show while snuggling under a shared blanket
Write letters to each other about something you admire in one another
Talk about something you really want to accomplish and how your partner can support you
There are so many ways to connect and so many conversations to be had if we are intentional about it. This Valentine's Day, resolve to be more aware of the small opportunities that come up. Agree to have a weekly check-in, where you can share things you appreciated and needs that weren't quite met. Institute a standing date night because relationships thrive on the same things that made them grow from the beginning. Talk with and about each other, exploring one another's thoughts, hopes, and dreams, fostering habits now that will last until you're old and grey. These are the actions that will make this Valentine's Day one to truly remember.
Join the wait list! Sheina is hosting, Bring Back the Love in 30 Days,’ a series that will provide you with date ideas, conversation starters journaling prompts, relationship tidbits, and actionable items each day. All for less than $1 a day. Click here to learn more.
