Exhausted From Being the Default Parent? Here are 7 Ways to Stop the Cycle.
Credit: Fizkes
You open your eyes and look at the clock. It's 6:00 a.m., and your brain is already listing off the things you need to get done for the day:
What's for breakfast?
Tomorrow is character day at school, is the ninja turtle shirt washed?
Which leftovers should I pack for lunch?
Call that work client later today and schedule a meeting.
Thursday, I'm working late - need to remind hubby that he'll pick up the kiddos.
My MIL's birthday is this weekend, I need to order a gift soon, so it'll arrive on time.
Date night is soon, and we still need a sitter.
Fall sports opened up – which ones will work with our schedule?
It's our turn to bring snacks for soccer; I need to go to the store.
I read somewhere that now is the time to start booking our plane tickets for vacations. Need to get on that.
As you move through your morning routine, the ongoing self-narrative of all the things that need to be done to keep you and your family going can often feel like it never ends, even if things are getting accomplished and "crossed off."
This is the mental load of the Default Parent.
Being the default parent can be exhausting and can sometimes cause feelings of guilt. It's an enormous pressure. An invisible and often heavy weight of keeping track of all the happenings within your family. It can feel like you messed up if you drop the ball or forget something. I often hear patients describe this feeling as if they don't keep track of all the tasks, then things won't get done, resulting in negative consequences that they will then need to deal with.
Being the default parent is often socially conditioned by our environment. We see it in advertisements or even the naming of support groups and activities, "Mommy and Me." We may have even grown up seeing our moms or friend's mothers as the ones who ran the home. But why?
Are you better at putting frozen waffles in the toaster for breakfast?
Are you the only one that can get a gift for your mother-in-law?
Do you have a special knack for buying snacks, or can your partner pick up the Pirates Booty and juice boxes from Costco?
Let's be honest, I've been there too. Sometimes it seems easier to just do it rather than delegating it to someone else. We tell ourselves that it will be faster for us to do or feel bad asking for help because we believe that only we can do it right. But that tired feeling that you wake up with every day? That forgetfulness that we often joke about after having kids? That irritability towards insignificant happenings in everyday life? Those are all signs that the mental load is too much! Being the default parent for everything isn't helping you or your family, even if you think you can handle it.
But how can something you've done for so long change? It may not all come at once or even be easy at first, but I encourage you to share the default-parent-load. I invite you to pause and ask yourself, can my partner take up more of the mental load of parenting? Below are some exercises I do with my clients that I hope you can utilize to even out your family's load.
1. Awareness
You carrying most of the mental load is a problem, and acknowledging an imbalance is the first step. So, I want you to repeat after me, "Just because I can do it doesn't mean I have to." I say this with all the gentleness possible, you don't have to do all the things, and you're still a really great mom.
2. Write it down
I am going old school with this, but write down everything you do to keep the family going. Everything that you can think of. I do this exercise with my couples. We use a whiteboard to write down all the family responsibilities of who does what. If you are tech-savvy and love Excel sheets, make it there. Just get it out of your head and somewhere that you can see it. Our brains often make shortcuts on how we keep things organized without realizing the many steps that need to be taken to complete just one of our "tasks." Writing it down helps when we are explaining it to others or asking them to share the responsibility.
3. Delegate realistically
As much as I want to say delegate 50/50, that may not be realistic in the first round of doing this. For many couples, the default parent has been doing a majority of the things for so long that the backup parent will need to get used to doing more. So, start off with a few tasks. When I do this in sessions with couples, they often pick a few things that will be passed over to the other parent, and we agree to check in on progress in a couple of months. The goal is to work towards a more equal sharing of the load. Early on, we set up agreed-upon times where there will be a review period and a continued delegation of tasks. The key is constant communication about where things are and where they are going.
4. Try not to gatekeep
With each delegation of a task, I will often encourage the default parent to give some information that may be helpful with completing the task as it is usually done, but after that, no more. I know it is hard to pass a task on, especially after so long, but giving "helpful advice" is not helping. It will just discourage your partner, and eventually, that task will end up back on your list. A key tip here: Reflect on the task you want to delegate before you do so, especially on the first few rounds of doing this. If you have a strong preference for the snacks provided for your kid's team or the gift you want to get your mother, don't delegate that task. Delegate a task that you can genuinely let your partner take the reins on, and that way, everybody wins.
5. Once it's off your list, then it's off your list
You can discuss progress at the agreed-upon check-in date, but not before then. Naturally, there will be some hiccups in the beginning, and that's okay. Each person is trying to figure it out. It's also okay if you feel uncomfortable that you are no longer in charge of that task. This means when flyers come home from school about snack sign-ups and snacks have been delegated to your partner, you just pass that flyer to your partner and walk away. It will be hard at first but remember you can do hard things, and eventually, it will make life easier.
6. Share your plan with those who will support you
Telling your close friends or family members that, as a family, you are delegating and sharing the load can keep you accountable. The people who love you want you to be happy. Communicating how you can be supported can motivate you to not fall into old habits. But again, let's set realistic expectations with those around us. Friends and family may continue to look to you to handle tasks you previously oversaw. A gentle redirection and reminder that you aren't managing the task anymore can do wonders.
7. Act on your words
So, when your sister-in-law calls and wants to plan something for your mother-in-law's birthday, but that task has been delegated to your partner, you need to say, "Please call [insert partner's name]. They are in charge of making plans with the family." Even if the little voice in your head says, "just make plans this once," the task has been delegated, and it is no longer your responsibility. Let. It. Go. You may get some pushback, and you may even start to feel guilty or question yourself, but sticking with it will better you, your partner, and your family dynamic.
We often hear how partners today are doing more than their parents, especially fathers, and how grateful we should be for the "help." While partners are doing more than previous generations, that doesn't mean that you are stuck with taking the heaviest part of the load. As mothers, we are also doing more than previous generations, and somehow, we have adapted. So, I ask you to remind yourself of that as you continue to challenge and grow in this area in your parenting journey.
Saying aloud that the load is heavy can sometimes make you feel weak or like something is wrong with you. You look around, and others aren't doing the same thing – they seem to be handling it all with ease, or at least no complaints. But the reality is other moms (and parents) are feeling the load too. They may not have the words to describe it, but they are feeling it. And saying it aloud gives permission to yourself and those around you to reflect and support one another.
I'm cheering you on, one small change at a time!
