Finding Support When Your Relationship Doesn’t Go As Expected
“This is not what I thought my life would look like.”
I hear this sentiment often in my work as a social worker specializing in life transitions affecting young and millennial women. Many of my clients seek therapy to help them navigate difficulties they’re having in their romantic or co-parenting relationships. Whether they’ve dealt with infidelity, are struggling with adjusting from a couple to a family with young children, or have grown apart from their significant other, it can feel lonely and overwhelming for women experiencing the unexpected in their relationships.
With the proper support, though, it can feel a bit better. Below are some strategies to help alleviate the stress from marital distress.
Communicate through Conflict
When someone feels misunderstood or unheard by their partner, it can seem like their feelings are not a priority. This can lead to resentment, anger, and a complete breakdown of communication. For example, many women I work with who take on the default parent role in their households say things like, “I’m just exhausted from acting like a parent to my spouse, too. I’ve had enough.” I help them communicate more effectively by taking a more proactive (vs. reactive) approach. For conflict to be resolved, each person in the relationship must have an opportunity to express why certain things are important to them and what their expectations are. Trying to explain in the heat of the moment of a repeated argument is unlikely to be effective.
If, ultimately, the conflict cannot be resolved and dissolution of the relationship is inevitable, good communication is still imperative (especially if there are kids involved). “Separations need not be contentious,” explains Kara M. Bellew, a matrimonial attorney, and a partner at New York City law firm Rower LLC. Recognizing that some clients may benefit from a more collaborative process, in addition to litigation, Ms. Bellew works as a mediator. In doing so, she helps couples who are separating or divorcing reach agreements about financial and custodial issues. According to Ms. Bellew: “Mediation can be a very productive process for couples who can communicate civilly with one another and share the goal of keeping their conflicts out of the Court system.” Consider aiming for good communication for your kids’ sake. Per Ms. Bellew: “Mediation can spare children from being directly inserted into their parents’ divorce. It allows the parents to keep control of the decisions that they believe best serve their children, such as the parenting schedule. When these same disputes are litigated in Court, parents often feel a loss of control, particularly when their children get involved by having attorneys to represent them.”
Get as Prepared as Possible
Unsurprisingly, according to the American Psychological Association, divorce can influence well-being, leading to depression, loneliness, isolation, self-esteem difficulties, or other forms of psychological distress. But staying in a broken relationship can likewise impact mental health, if not even more so. Many of my clients are anxious about officially ending their (unhappy or unhealthy) relationships because they are apprehensive about the unknown. What would the change mean for them financially, especially if they are the less-monied partner? How would a divorce impact their children and child custody arrangements? Will their social life be upended?
It’s natural to be worried about these changes. I help women feel in control over what they can control and mindfully address what they cannot. “Anticipating what issues will need to be resolved is helpful emotionally and logistically,” emphasizes Ms. Bellew. “Many people hire me well before wanting to start a divorce to help them strategize, gather and review documents, and understand the financial landscape of their family dynamic, including how expenses are paid. This kind of preparation can help people feel more secure and less anxious about extricating themselves from an unhappy coupling.” Ms. Bellew further believes that “feeling in control from the outset, versus hiring an attorney in an emergency or after you have been blindsided by being served with divorce papers, can make a significant difference in how you handle moving through and ultimately withstanding the divorce process.”
Seek Several Sources of Support
When a marriage or relationship fails, it can feel shameful, scary, and sad. Many women experience self-blame and struggle with feeling hopeful. Getting comprehensive mental health and other support during this difficult time is vital. That support can come in various forms: a therapist, a lawyer, a religious or spiritual advisor, a support group, friends, family, and even strangers connected by mutual friends or online.
For nuanced issues like domestic violence (which will be experienced by 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men in their lifetime), there are myriad organizations that specialize in offering appropriately specific support. For example, Sanctuary for Families (where Ms. Bellew and I met as colleagues more than a decade ago) provides direct services, outreach and training, and systems-change advocacy to survivors of intimate partner abuse and other forms of gender violence in the NYC area. Ms. Bellew, who devotes a large portion of her private practice to domestic violence cases, describes: “Divorce can be very isolating. When there is a history of domestic violence, the isolation (often a tool of an abusive spouse) can be even more pronounced. Having both therapeutic and legal support, particularly from those who understand the complex nature of domestic violence, can be invaluable to maintaining safety.”
One of the most rewarding parts of my job is to be there for women enduring a challenging period of their lives. I teach them self-compassion and use other strengths-based approaches to help them feel encouraged and empowered. We can learn to view this chapter of their lives as an opportunity for positive change while acknowledging the scariness and sadness that may come along with such change. Their marriage or partnership may differ from what they had expected, but they are not alone.
