On The Edge of Exploding: Understanding and Dealing With Parenting Rage
Credit: Marcos Paulo Prado | @tiomp
During the last year, parents and especially mothers have been pulled in more directions than we ever thought imaginable. We are working, taking care of our homes, raising humans, facilitating virtual learning schedules, navigating school, childcare, and so much more. It's no wonder that one of the most common messages I receive from Mothers, both in person and through my social media channels, is this sense of anger and rage that is bubbling up in their lives.
Maternal anger can be a tricky topic to discuss. The mothers who come to me with questions or seeking support often have a lot of shame around their feelings and reactions. This isn't who they want to be for their kids, themselves, or their families, yet here they are.
When we think of rage, we usually think of the big, outward signs of anger, such as screaming, yelling, throwing things, swearing, etc. But that is simply the explosion, and there is a lot more to the process of getting there. Let's look at how what we see as "lashing out" or "losing control" of ourselves is often a slow bubbling throughout the day.
Imagine anger and rage as a soda bottle that we carry around with us. Throughout the day, little things are happening around us and often within us, leading to that bottle getting shaken up. Maybe you overslept, Zoom wasn't working, the kids were arguing over a toy, the dog wouldn't stop barking during a phone call, or you're worried about a bill that's due. All seemingly little things, but shaking that bottle just a little more nonetheless.
Those angry feelings are building up during this time, but you might not notice it because the signs are subtle. Your body temperature is slowly rising. You might be feeling more alert and agitated. Your thoughts are probably on the lookout for more annoyances, and everything is feeling a little more urgent. The pressure inside your "bottle" is increasing. While in a moment of calm that might seem "obvious," we often miss it because, well, we're doing so much and have so much more to do that we aren't paying attention to the signs.
This heightened state of agitation means that our anger buttons have been triggered somehow. Our nervous system is starting to fire up, and it's likely we already have or will soon react in a way we wouldn't normally. Cue the aforementioned lashing out, slamming objects, yelling, rage crying, or just general loss of emotional control. You might be in this state for a short period or walk around like this for much longer, like a pot boiling on the stove.
So what do we do about this? How do we stop or at least recognize this cycle of agitation, anger, and rage? Well, we have a few ways to get started:
1.) Focus simply on paying attention
Have you ever gotten halfway through the day and realized you never ate or you haven't gone to the bathroom yet? I know I have! As parents, we have a way of pushing our own needs down so far that we aren't even listening for them.
To start getting reacquainted with YOUR needs, try setting an alarm two to three times a day on your phone. When the alarm goes off, look at yourself and ask:
Where are your thoughts?
How's your mood?
How is your body? Are you tense or relaxed?
How are you breathing?
What is your behavior like?
Do you have any unmet needs you could address (water, food, a break)?
With this little check-in, we give ourselves the option of slowing down and changing directions if we need to. We can also address any unmet needs that might be contributing to how we're feeling at that moment.
What if you do this and notice that you are on the path to losing your cool? The good news is that just noticing the direction you're heading is a big piece of the puzzle! Having that awareness allows you to "practice the pause," which is an opportunity to engage our body's brake system. This enables us to respond to what we notice instead of moving into reaction mode, where we might find ourselves yelling, shouting, or otherwise losing our cool.
2.) Insert an action that creates a pause
Once you've assessed your physical and emotional state with the questions above, the goal is to simply insert an action that gives you some time to pause if you need it.
Taking a deep breath or slowing down your breathing.
Stepping outside for a moment to take in the fresh air or the sunshine.
Doing a grounding technique like the 54321 method.
Taking a drink of water.
Remember, the goal here is pausing long enough to do "something else." These actions are letting a little pressure out of that soda bottle I mentioned earlier. Opening it slowly to release, instead of taking it off all at once to explode everywhere. Speaking of explosions, how do we stop those?
Learning to pause takes practice. There will inevitably be times when we still experience those moments of rage along the way. When we do, the goal shifts from pausing and changing directions to harm reduction. When we do blow up, we aren't generally in a place to just "stop." Our brains have to complete the cycle of rising and falling, focusing instead on recovering (for us) and repairing (with our kids or anyone else on the receiving end of our rage). This is what makes the earlier methods I've mentioned so important. It's a lot easier to let some pressure out of the bottle by tuning into ourselves and practicing prevention than cleaning up after the explosion.
When we talk about rage, everyone likes to focus on that moment when we lose our cool. But the starting point comes way earlier, and healing comes through intentional prevention and awareness techniques.
So, where do we go from here?
Get to know your anger and rage; there is no shame in identifying your feelings and triggers. Make a list of things that get your agitation levels moving (being overtired, hungry, noise, etc.)
Engage in self-care practices. Insert intentional actions throughout your days that help you "pause" and "release pressure" from your anger buttons, making you less reactive.
Develop coping techniques. When you notice your anger is bubbling beneath the surface, you're going to need some tried and true ways to regulate yourself. Explore what works for you. Maybe that's going out for a walk, petting your cat, or reciting a mantra, song, or prayer. Think of things that have worked for you in the past and get proactive about practicing them.
Wherever you are in your anger cycle, the most important thing to remember is that anger is a messenger. It's showing up to let you know there is something to look into. It might be telling you that you need more support, that your anxiety is high, and you need some help with that, or that you're not getting enough sleep. When we can shift our minds to viewing our anger in this way, we have the power to move out of shame and into curiosity. And it is with that curiosity we can begin to heal.
