Postpartum Identity Crisis: How I Found Myself Again
Image Credit: Philipp Berndt
Everyone says that your world changes when you have a baby. I can wholeheartedly confirm this is true. But more often than not, this platitude from well-meaning family and friends is also heavily draped with reminders of "enjoying every minute and milestone" while raising a child. While I'm all for positivity, this "good-vibes only" approach is also problematic. It frequently disregards some of the less comfortable feelings that commonly go undiscussed as we transition into motherhood. While there were many things I could not have prepared myself for when getting ready to have a baby, the identity shift of transitioning from me to motherhood was something I found to be both remarkable – and quite difficult.
Before my daughter was born, I was the person who prides herself on what she does for a living. I realize now that I have always lived to work, not worked to live. But when Hayden came along, all of that changed.
In a matter of hours, my individuality had been upheaved. I went from being just "Katie" to "Mom." I had an entirely new name – and with it came new responsibilities, thoughts, and expectations of who I should be and what I should do. I grappled with this aspect of motherhood. How could I still be myself, a hard-worker and entrepreneur, and this new thing called mom? Was it even possible to do both?
At first, I did not realize what was happening. As most mothers do, I sank all of my time and energy into my daughter. The small moments when family and friends unintentionally forgot to ask how I was doing or only talked about the baby further fueled my focus to make my life all about her. Before long, days were going by where I realized I hadn't even given myself the time to brush my teeth or eat a proper meal. My daughter is and always will be my world, but in the early days of motherhood, I suddenly had a gnawing feeling that I'd become a shadow living behind her. Weren't there other things I used to enjoy?
Through this whole experience, I've found solace in realizing that life is always changing. We are always changing. And our identities are always changing, too. I will never just be "Katie" anymore. I will be Katie and Hayden's mom. And I will always be an entrepreneur, but slightly different than I was before. As my daughter grows, the most powerful inspiration for me and my business is to think about the example I am setting for her. Will she be proud of me one day for following my passions outside of motherhood? I like to think so.
I am far from perfecting a balance when it comes to individuality and motherhood, but there are a few things that have helped me combine the two as I navigate my way through this wild ride of becoming a mom:
1. You can't take care of them if you don’t take care of yourself.
You still have to prioritize what makes you happy, even if you sometimes tell yourself you don't need or deserve it. I put off self-care for a long time after having my daughter. I immediately felt more like myself again after working it back into my life.
2. You are not alone. Remember to talk about it.
I found comfort in connecting with other mom friends about the mixed emotions of motherhood. The topic of postpartum identity does not come up all that often in social settings. But remember, you are not alone. We all feel this way. Support the other new moms out there who may be going through this but might not realize it yet.
3. You are still you, just better.
Know that being a mom is a process, and you are continually evolving. Try to focus on how your new identity makes you an even better person. For me, knowing my daughter will have questions about my career and wonder why I do what I do, is all the motivation I need to fuel my goals as an entrepreneur.
