Don't Say, THAT! Infertility and Pregnancy Loss Phrases to Avoid
TW: This post discusses infertility and pregnancy loss. If you're in a place where reading this makes you feel uncomfortable, please take some time for yourself and come back to it when you're ready.
Credit: Priscilla Du Preez | @priscilladupreez
We've all lost a pen at work or accidentally left the light on when leaving the house, a moment of forgetfulness that presents a minor inconvenience in our day. Though irritating, these things usually do not carry much emotional weight. Generally, we can go about our days, recognizing them as events that do not impact our overall happiness or decrease our ability to reach our long-term goals. While these daily hiccups have happened to all of us, you may be surprised to learn that it's very likely you also know someone who's experienced a much greater emotional impact.
As many as 1 in 8 couples experience infertility, and about 1 in every 5 recognized pregnancies can result in loss. These are significant numbers. While much less common than a lost pen, infertility and pregnancy loss can have profound physical and emotional impacts on people and undoubtedly require a different kind of support than we are used to giving. The people we care for most need us to show up at our best for them during these vulnerable times. So, let me be the first to say that the "aww man, that sucks" we would provide to someone who forgot to turn off the light is going to be grossly inadequate here.
I've been the person who did not know how to adequately support someone grieving the loss of a pregnancy. Now that I know differently, I cringe at some of the things I have said in the past. Below are some common phrases to avoid and some examples of what can also be helpful for a loved one experiencing infertility or pregnancy loss to hear. Please save this post and reference it for the future, helping to be the support system someone may need.
1. “At least_______”
There are several versions of this statement, depending on the scenario. At least they know they can get pregnant. At least they already have a child. At least it wasn't twins. At least you were only 6 weeks. At least they can now drink on that vacation, etc., etc. Say none of them. These "at least" statements directly invalidate their experience and make it seem like you do not care about how difficult things are right now. The current experience is independent of that which others may have had. Focusing on others can make your loved one feel like someone else's loss matters more to you. If someone is grieving, there is no positive in the experience for them.
Instead, say: "I'm so sorry that happened. I am here for you if you want to talk about it."
2. “Everything happens for a reason.”
Nope. This is also not a supportive statement. When someone is grieving, the last thing they need to hear is that the grief they are experiencing is the stepping stone to something better or put upon them by a higher power. When someone is grieving, they shouldn't be asked to push away the grief.
Instead, say: "I'm so sorry that happened. If you want someone to sit with you while you cry or someone to talk with, I'm here."
3. “Just adopt”
Adoption can be a great option for many people. However, it is a different process and goal from having a biological child. Telling someone to adopt a child during a time where they are grieving a pregnancy loss or infertility is a way of telling them you do not value their goals of having a biological child.
Instead, say: "I'm here for you."
4. “Whose fault is it?”
Infertility and pregnancy loss aren't anyone's fault. If this were under our control, we wouldn't have Reproductive Endocrinologists and Infertility specialists (REIs) who go to school for 15 years to care for people trying to have a child.
Instead, say: "Is there anything I can do to support you right now?"
5. “Kids are super hard; trust me, you don't want them!”
This is definitely not supportive at all. The reality is that your loved one has their own goals and dreams. They're probably very aware of how difficult it can be to raise children. They have watched longingly as moms carry their children into the store, they have seen the meltdowns, they feel a twinge of pain every time they see a dad pushing a stroller. Your friend probably sees all the parents around them in both happy and stressful parenting moments and knows what it looks like. Do not invalidate their desires.
Instead, say: "I know you really wanted this, I see you're sad, and it's totally understandable. I love you."
6. “Just relax.”
Several versions of this idea exist. Just relax. Just go on vacation. Just try ______. Your friend probably needs more support than advice. Leave the advice to the experts. You focus on supporting your friend.
Instead, say: "Want to grab a drink/coffee/go for a walk?" And then, just listen.
In reading these phrases, I hope you get a sense of what helpful, loving support might look like during infertility or pregnancy loss (or really any difficult time in someone's life). If you stick to a few guiding principles, you can be the support your loved one needs during difficult times.
Listen without judgment.
Validate their experience.
If they express that they're feeling a strong emotion, acknowledge that you hear them and that you want to hear more if they are open to talking about it.
Offer continued support. One good cry doesn't take the emotional pain away. Let your loved one take the time they need to process. Be there through the process if you can, and make sure they know how much you care for them.
