The Real Reason My Husband Isn’t in the Family Photos
Credit: Rachel Lomas Photography
Dripping with sweat from curling my hair, I'm standing at the top of our stairs that lead into the master bedroom, pleading with my son to put on some socks so we can leave. My husband is running into each of the kids' rooms, grabbing random items that I asked for so he can put them in my black duffle bag, while I simultaneously fill him in on my newfound plan to visit a small local zoo today – before our main event for the afternoon. My daughter is now ripping out the bow I put in her hair for the 300th time, so I won't forget to bring it, and my other son is sitting on my bed completely zoned out watching a cartoon.
That's when I notice my husband putting everything I've asked him to grab in my green Vera Bradley bag, not the black duffle bag I had mentioned. I dramatically and passive-aggressively start tearing through the Vera Bradley bag and stuffing everything into the black bag as I scold him for not listening. How does he not know? The drama of a lost sock or a wrinkled dress on a day like this! He proceeds to remark how it is a terrible idea to go to a zoo on a hot day before our event this afternoon, and it is then that I can actually feel the heat rising from all the stress and emotions that begin to flood my body.
How could he?! I shot back, making sure he knew how unappreciated and absurd his actions were, in maybe a not-so-nice tone. Okay, it was in a very not-nice tone. And that's when he said it. Stomping down the stairs and walking underneath the landing I stood on, he sarcastically yelled back up, "Yup, let's go take pictures of our happy bleeping family."
So, now you know. We were getting ready to have family pictures taken in honor of my daughter's upcoming second birthday. I had spent weeks planning it in my mind – how to perfectly capture my daughter's inquisitive, adventurous spirit. First, we would take some photos of her near a creek on a trail full of flowers. Then get some great shots of her big brothers walking beside her, almost guiding her down the trail. There would definitely be one of her and her dad giggling with her little curls dangling in the wind. And of course, me and my girl, just looking at each other as I sit and wonder, as I usually do, how she profoundly changed my life and made our family whole. And of course, we would get THE ONE for the mantle, maybe even the Christmas card because it is that good. You know, THE ONE that even when the years pass, we leave it up because it perfectly captures our incredibly blessed family of five.
Spoiler alert, we did the pictures, but we do not have any of those photos that I built up in my mind for the weeks I surfed the internet looking at all the best photo deals to get them printed. The image of my picture-perfect Christmas card and the mantle that would showcase it all quickly faded. But perhaps, we should back up a bit.
Credit: Rachel Lomas Photography
Surely you remember my husband, storming off and stomping down the stairs while sharing his true feelings about the day. It was at that moment, with words meant to wound on the tip of my tongue, I paused and took a breath. I felt almost frozen because I was fully prepared to fire back at him for his comments. But as I stood in the doorway of our bedroom, looking at our three kids watching TV, pulling clean clothes out of the hamper, all of us half-dressed, I instead said, "Come on, kids, let's go outside."
I packed up the car, my husband played with the kids, and we didn't say another word to each other. When the car was ready, I walked over to our Adirondack chairs and sat in the one closest to him. In these exact words, I said, "I'm not trying to be funny or a smartass, but I think it's best if you did not join us for the photoshoot." I wanted him to know I wasn't being dramatic or spiteful. I just genuinely thought that after what had occurred between us that he shouldn't go. What he said back hit me.
He explained that there were already so many things we put pressure on ourselves for as parents. And now here I was, stressing everyone out over getting the perfect family pictures? When I took a moment to pause and really listen, I thought about what he was trying to tell me. Family photos aren't meant for capturing a perfect moment that doesn't exist or doling out Christmas cards (though this can be a nice added benefit) to family and friends. The purpose of family photos is to capture a moment in time you'll never get back.
When you gaze at them from across the room, when they pop up on your digital frame, every time you open your phone, you're going to see those moments. You get to relive the laughs you had, the experience of being together that day, and there may even be a hint of sadness for the moment that has passed. His comment got me thinking about some of my favorite pictures of our kids, and I realized they're usually photos I snagged on a whim. My kids doing something they love; playing with chalk, dressing up like spiderman, or finding a frog in the backyard.
My husband and I had a very honest conversation after that. We respect one another, and I am thankful that my kids get to see firsthand what to expect from future relationships. We decided together that instead of tagging along, he would stay home and do the very overdue yard work. I would have a nice day with my sister (our photographer) and her kids while maybe snapping a few pictures.
Credit: Rachel Lomas Photography
I met my sister at a local park that happened to have a little pond, and she snapped some no-stress photos. We hardly posed the kids, and I snuck into a couple because, after all, I had already packed that cute dress for myself. But mostly, it was focused on my daughter and two sons. And guess what - we got some great photos! The kids splashed around in a pond with nice clothes on. My daughter was in a beautiful white lace dress with bright yellow rainboots because that is what she wanted, and we managed to get one of me swinging her in the wind as her curls danced. There was no pressure for the perfect picture, there were minimal tears, and I have some moments captured in time where I can look back and remember the day as it truly was. A day where my husband and I were completely honest with each other, a day my kids got to play with their cousins and go to a local farm.
I share my story as a reminder.
The next time you are getting ready for that "fun" event in your life that has spiraled into a ball of emotional stress, just pause, take a breath, and really think about what you want from it and why. Is it to get the perfect shot or have moments to reflect on as your family changes and grows? Only you can decide that.
My best advice? Just do what makes you and your family happy; after all, they're just pictures.
Credit: Rachel Lomas Photography
